"Love in the heart was not meant there to stay. Love is not love until you first give it away".(and i would add that you first love without the need or demand to be loved in return)
Emotional Fusion in Marriage and RelationshipsEmotional fusion (symbios) is often called or mistaken for love when after a while of a couple have been together and "relating". It is not love; it isn't a healthy interdependence it is love's poor ugly dependant clinging step-sister. and the antithesis of real love. and it can have
dire consequences for marriageand can be the death of passion as the marriage ages..Emotional fusion occurs in nearly every relationship to some degree....in the best and healthiest of them the effects is miminal and these relationships can be clssified as interdependant and growing....it is a mutual desire to be together and sharing life,it is not based on needs or dramatic demands or clinging dependency...it isn't two half persons trying to make one whole one but two whole people who enhance each others lives and creating and growing something larger...a enduring relationship of peer love,friendship and compainonship.It is two people who when apart can function just as well as when they are together.
Beginning with our family of origin,we are taught at an early age which behaviors are acceptable and will result in our parents expressing their "love" for us. We learn to mold ourselves into the person our parents want us to be(to gain their approval) or we risk rejection if the child does not conform to the family unseen, unacknowldefed script ("conditional love").It can leave a person with no real sense of self.Later on in life we might rebel, (if the process has been stopped or not completed at an earlier critical age) and if we rebel we may be attempting to set ourselves apart and become distinct individuals
Fused relationships can kill of sexual desire
...fused relationship are rather more liketo mother and son,father and daughter relationships or two clones not being able to find some difference,some spark to add vibrancy.
This need to "rebel",the need to find ones self as a self apart often strikes women in the 40 to 50 age group (although it can happen to both men and women at any age) ...and esepecailly if they have been married and raised families,having come straight from home and marrying young...it is a creeping feeling of "who am I..what am I?" "Differentation" may well be put off indefinetly because of the grim realities of of just living, surving and raising ,and in fact has "put on hold" particulary for the period that the marriage endures This often can happen in strict or over protective families where ideally differentation should occur...Indeed the process may it not well known to the famly, many are unaware of the effects it can have later on in adult relationships.It may have simply been not accomadated for or may have been outright curtailed in a strict family of origin thus becoming delayed and deferred to a later date when a child has grown up and moved away physically from the family though not in an emotionally healthy way. Symbiotic Marriage and Relationships can be best described as resembling the Letter A ( A frame marriages)..when a couple are leaning on each other to remain upright..( as the uprights in the letter A are leaning at the top of the letter on the other...When a couple meet a "fall in love" they tend to merge their identities and over time tend to lean towards each other and become hopelessly linked (fusion) and neither feels they would survive with out the other..this strangely enough is the stuff of many pops songs/poetry and is held to be real love and the ideal...Cant live, if living is without you" is the anthem of the A framers as is the song "every breathe you take I'll be watching you" is the anthem of the stalker.....Eventually one partner feels as if he or she is losing all individuality and self,being smothered...it may be that even though they want the relationship to continue they cannot tolerate any longer feeling being owned and subordinating their desires and interests to the other partners...This is the "rebellion",the struglle as the disatified partner starts to psychologically seperate from their partner who typically will resist and make many "change back" messages and pleas....this change to the marriage will either break it or leads to it's tranfomation into a H style(H frame) healthier relationship....where both partners are allowed to be themselves,each person standing upright and paralel but honoring the bond that exists between the two,acknowledged and signified by the cross bar between the the two separte I I 's..there cross bar signifies the couples union and inter-dependence..
This is a further extentsion of the process of differentation as described at the start of this article (in the context of the family)...If the bond is not there then the two will end up living like housemates both leading seperate lives and "together" only under one roof in parallel...in time this leads to divorce but those who struggle to understand and acheive the H frame relationship are on their way to a great realtionship.... Of course being yourself in a relationship does not equate with an unhealthy selfishness and being self absorbed... "Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I want to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving.